Parenting Survival: When My Toddler Can't Sleep

The Toddler was up at 2am so we went out to listen for frogs. Unfortunately, the frogs in the ditch seemed to be fast asleep. We settled for waking up all the animals in the barn. We got the rooster crowing nicely and the goats got up to pee and poop. Then we turned off the barn light and went out again, leaving them all wide awake. None of it woke the frogs.

Inside the house, we cooked plantain because the Toddler was famished. 

 

Toddler: Friends X and Y were here, but not right now.

Me: No, not right now. You know why?

Toddler: X and Y are sleeping!

Me: YES!!!

Smiles and cuddles. Yawn.

 

ALL this started because Toddler woke up wanting to nurse and in my groggy state I didn't notice that the damn supplementer tube was pulled out of the water and not working, which led to much screaming. Not your average breastfeeding problems, yet somehow I am certain every parent has been there done that in some similar fashion.

Now she has nursed back to sleep and is using my belly for her pillow.

Supplementer? Toddler? Yes. After relying on it heavily when she was an infant, we just have not been able to shed the tube. It is part of our nursing relationship, even though the "supplement" is water. She is about the best hydrated kid I know, and I suspect the water is alright for her teeth, too.

La Leche League Celebrations!

2016 is La Leche League’s 60^th anniversary, so this worldwide breastfeeding support organization is having some big celebrations. I’m honoured to be participating in two of these events, one online and the other in Chicago! 

Here’s the info:

We’re having an online global LLL meeting for 24 hours straight on October 1^st.  Any person, regardless of gender, who is breast or chestfeeding or planning to breast or chestfeed in the future is welcome to join us. This is just like a local chapter support meeting, but online. The meeting is happening on Facebook, and you can join the group for it here. LLL leaders from around the world are hosting different hours, including volunteers based in Canada, New Zealand, Japan, Slovenia, Italy, France, Israel, USA, Mexico, Korea, Netherlands, and more. We’ll post discussion threads, and folks can ask questions, comment, and share information and support. My hour, with co-leaders Melissa Kent and Linda Mellway McIntyre, is taking place at 10pm Greenwich Mean Time.

An in-person celebration is taking place in Chicago on October 15th. I’ll be speaking on a panel with five other leaders, talking about my journey with LLL and why I’m so passionate about this amazing organization. I’m extra super excited about the evening dinner with LLL founders, including Marian Tompson. We’ve talked on the phone a few times, and Marian has been a staunch supporter of my path to breastfeeding. I have long been inspired not only by her work founding LLL, but also her advocacy around breastfeeding and HIV. This will be my first time meeting her in real life! I’ll leave you with my favourite Marian Tompson quote from an interview by the Pioneer Press for the Wilmette Life:

When Tompson gave birth to her third child, a group of 17 hospital employees—externs, interns, even the receptionist—came to watch. "They circled my delivery table," Tompson said. "After it was over, one of the residents walked up to my doctor and said, 'Doctor, how did you do it?'"

Publishers Weekly: Ultra Queer Book Review

I'm excited to report that Publishers Weekly reviewed my book, Where's the Mother: Stories from a Transgender Dad.

And, the reviewer appreciated the ways that I draw attention to varying degrees of privilege, including my own. It's a rad, queer review!

From Publishers Weekly: "MacDonald’s debut memoir tells a tale noticeably absent from the plethora of parenting and breastfeeding books available: that of a transgender man in a gay marriage to a cisgender man who was himself adopted, both desperately trying to feed their biological child nothing but human milk... MacDonald owns his identity, using his elevated platform to call attention to issues faced by transwomen and transmen, people of color, and those living in poverty. Most importantly, his story of transitioning is frank, clever, and easy to process, providing plenty of parallels to his later struggles with nursing for curious cis readers... a refreshing and insightful narrative."

Parenting Through a Vigil for Orlando

As queer parents, my partner and I carefully discussed whether to attend our local vigil in Winnipeg, Canada for the LGBT people of colour who were victims in Orlando. I’m a gay, transgender man, married to a gay man, and we are privileged to be raising a five-year-old boy, Jacob, and a twenty-month-old girl, Emily. We needed to consider how to talk to our children about what happened, if the event would be safe for them, and if we could convince our kids to behave appropriately given the circumstances that were the reason for the vigil.

 

Our twenty-month-old toddler is going through painful teething and prefers my arms at all times, so leaving her with someone else during the vigil was not an option. The event started at 8:30pm, when our kids would usually be winding down for bed. But we wanted desperately to be there, to find our community and exchange hugs, and to show our support for the victims who were mostly young, LGBT, Latinx people.

My partner and I decided that we must get there. We talked to our five-year-old about what happened using simple but honest language. We emphasized that the violence occurred in another country, and that as white people living in Canada, we are lucky to have more privilege than those who were killed or injured in Orlando. It is important for us to stand up in support of our queer siblings of colour.

But as we said these things, we were also aware that other LGBT events could be targeted. A trans friend of mine who lives in Philadelphia told me that he and his partner decided not to risk taking their own young child to any pride events due to safety concerns. One parent or the other might go, but not both, and never their child. The calculations we make about personal safety and risks feel dramatically different now that we are parents.

At the vigil in Winnipeg, hundreds of queer people and allies gathered, surrounded by a heavy police presence as well as ambulances and fire trucks that lined the block. I felt deeply moved by the words of an officer who spoke on behalf of police to let us know that they and other first responders are here for our community, doing their best to keep us safe.

Simultaneously, I thought of trans friends I know who have experienced discrimination and violence at the hands of police. I’m not talking about decades ago at the Stonewall riots, but personal friends in Canada and in the US who continue to endure police brutality.

As politicians and community leaders spoke and lit candles, we struggled to find the right balance as parents at the event. A family sitting next to ours on the grass had brought ninja turtles for their children to play with. After a few minutes of trying to listen to the speeches whilst our children gazed with rapt attention at the other children’s sickeningly inappropriate gunplay, we moved elsewhere. My toddler needed to pee about half a dozen times, so I kept whisking her over to some nearby bushes and then returning to the crowd. She and her brother ran up and down a small hill, but didn’t make too much noise, and hopefully didn’t disturb others. At one point, a man with a walker came through and I hastily grabbed both children to prevent them from tripping him, while listening to a community organizer speaking out against Islamophobia.

After the main speeches were over and some balloons released to the sky, our kids were absolutely finished. It was 10 pm. A lawyer we hadn’t seen for years approached to greet us but we had to hurry away. During the car ride home, when all I wanted to do was reflect quietly, I sang cheerfully to our toddler who was constantly on the verge of screaming from exhaustion but could not seem to fall asleep.

After becoming parents we got busy and our priorities changed. We haven’t been to a gay bar in years. We connect to our queer community much more easily online than we do in person. Other queer parents we know posted to Facebook to say they were at the vigil in spirit but needed to stay home for bedtime. For any parent, often already tired from sleepless nights and working during the day, it takes a huge amount of energy to get kids out to an event like this one and address their many questions and various behaviors while paying one’s own respects. Add to this the daily stresses of being a trans or non-binary person and it can become overwhelming.

Yet, my partner and I are fearful of what our kids will face when they enter the public school system http://www.milkjunkies.net/2016/04/teaching-my-child-about-transphobia-our.html and broader society. Now more than ever, we feel motivated to do our best to be involved in our community and to promote tolerance and diversity. First, we must take care of ourselves and survive. And then when we can, for the sake of our own children and LGBT youth everywhere, we must attend the vigils, we must speak out, we must stand up for vulnerable people, we must lead by example, and change the world for the better.

Proud to be a New La Leche League Leader!

In 2014, La Leche League International changed its policy about the eligibility of Leader (volunteer) Applicants to be inclusive of all gender identities. As a result of the rule change, I was able to apply, and I went through La Leche League Canada’s (LLLC) thorough and fantastic training, becoming accredited as a Leader two weeks ago. I am grateful to the Leader who supported me and spent many hours answering my questions, and to the Leader at the Accreditation Department who guided me with patience and kindness and kept me on track.

LLL’s updated policy came in advance of federal legislation proposed by the Government of Canada to protect transgender Canadians from discrimination. This quote from a message sent by LLLC to its Leaders shows the confident position La Leche League has taken on this issue (reprinted here with permission):

 “We recognize that any breastfeeding parent, regardless of whether they self-identify as a mother or father, should be - and is now - welcome to investigate LLL Leadership. There are other prerequisites that a potential Leader needs to satisfy, but being a woman isn't one of them.”

La Leche League is the world’s best breastfeeding peer support organization - this was the reason I wanted to become a Leader when I first asked about applying, and it is why I am so proud to join other Leaders in serving breastfeeding families. Leaders assist more than 20,000 families across Canada each year, using carefully compiled resources.

I feel I truly found my community when I found La Leche League. LLL is one place where I know I will be accepted with my breastfeeding toddler and where my nursing relationship with my child will always be valued. In fact, I believe I have felt more criticism around nursing an “older”* child in public than for nursing as a man. And that really speaks to why we still desperately need LLL, and why it was founded sixty years ago. We need to continue sharing information and resources around breastfeeding and the breastfeeding relationship with those who come in search of support in the context of a culture that continues to marginalize breastfeeding.

* “older” is in quotes, because we are talking here about anyone over the age of one. But let’s face it: two- and three-year-olds are simply not “older”!

Chestfeeding Research Published!

My team's research article about transmasculine individuals' experiences of lactation, chestfeeding, and gender identity has been published!!! It's open access. Please share widely!

In this University of Ottawa study, funded by the Canadian Institutes of Health Research, I interviewed 22 transmasculine individuals.

Here’s a quick overview of what’s new and exciting about this paper:

1)     Discussion of pregnancy and chestfeeding after top surgery. Out of 22 participants, 9 had chest surgery before they became pregnant. They experienced different amounts of mammary growth during pregnancy. Some chose to chestfeed and others didn’t. This is the first paper to discuss experiences of chestfeeding after chest surgery!

2)     The paper includes the first academic reference to a transmasculine individual binding during the lactation period, and taking testosterone during the lactation period. As the paper states, the participant reported that his child had normal testosterone levels, i.e., it appears that the child was not exposed to any effects of testosterone through the milk. Also, the participant reported that there seemed to be no decrease in his milk supply. Binding and taking testosterone allowed the participant to chestfeed for longer because these actions helped mitigate his gender dysphoria.

3)     Zero of the participants’ surgeons discussed the potential for future chestfeeding before performing top surgery. Equally important, participants reported that they didn’t feel comfortable bringing the topic up, either. They cited their surgeons’ strong and obvious belief in the gender binary and the feeling that they needed to tell the right story in order to access chest surgery.

4)     Changes in secondary sex characteristics during pregnancy. References in the academic and medical literature state that a low-pitched voice and facial hair are permanent results of taking testosterone. However, in this paper, we report the experience of one participant who found that when he stopped taking testosterone and became pregnant, his facial hair literally fell out and his voice became higher in pitch. 

5)     Experiences of gender dysphoria. As you might expect, some study participants reported experiencing gender dysphoria when chestfeeding. Some of them stopped chestfeeding due to gender dysphoria. However, others did not gender the process of feeding their babies from their chests at all. Nine of 16 participants who initiated chestfeeding reported experiencing no gender dysphoria while chestfeeding. Three of them didn’t experience gender dysphoria during chestfeeding but they DID experience it after they weaned their babies. The usefulness of chestfeeding in terms of nutrition and bonding was cited frequently as a reason for doing it. 

6)     Unexpected and unwanted lactation. Several participants who had had chest surgery and chose not to chestfeed their babies experienced problems with milk coming in. One had early symptoms of mastitis. Both the participants and their health care providers were unprepared. 

7)     How gender dysphoria can be triggered by health professionals. We tend to think of gender dysphoria as something that a trans person experiences because of their body. In this study, we found dysphoria could be triggered, in a person who otherwise was not experiencing it, by the way they are treated by others. From the paper: “care providers and others are capable of causing gender dysphoria in a patient by misgendering them. Conversely, care providers can affirm a patient’s gender identity through appropriate language, respectful touch, and other intentional actions, and thus alleviate distress associated with gender dysphoria.” In other words, the act of chestfeeding itself might not cause gender dysphoria for a transgender guy, but a health care provider talking about putting baby to “mom’s breast” might do so. 

8)     Using donor milk. Seven of the 22 participants said they used or intended to use donor milk, and one donated milk to others. 

9)     The language. This study was trans led, and the language used throughout the paper is appropriate for our community. We didn’t say in this paper, “some trans men use this word chestfeeding” and then ourselves use breastfeeding or nursing after that when we wrote in our own words. We used chestfeeding throughout the paper, as THE word. Why? Some trans guys are okay with “breastfeeding,” but some are very triggered by it. We didn’t think any trans guys would be triggered by “chestfeeding,” so we decided to use that term throughout.

What a way to celebrate the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia!

With so much thanks to the study participants who made this possible, and my research team members Joy Noel-Weiss, Diana West, Michelle Walks, MaryLynne Biener, Alanna Kibbe, and Elizabeth Myler. Big thank you as well to Karleen Gribble for her detailed comments in the open peer review process!

Book Launch events!

"Where's the Mother? Stories from a Transgender Dad" is now available for preorder wherever books are sold. I'll be appearing at two launch events: one in Toronto and one in Winnipeg. I hope you and your friends can attend!

"Launch Event" Saturday June 4th at 11am:  Toronto Public Library
Yorkville 22 Yorkville Ave, Toronto, Ontario M4W 1L4

Trevor MacDonald reads from his book Where's the Mother: Stories from a Transgender Dad. Trevor founded the first online support group for transgender people interested in pregnancy, birth, and breast or chestfeeding. He shares his own parenting experiences on his blog,www.milkjunkies.net. Join us for a reading, Q&A, and signing session. This is a child friendly event so bring the whole family!

"An Afternoon With Trevor MacDonald" Sunday June 12 at 2pm: McNally Robinson Booksellers 1120 Grant Avenue, Winnipeg, Manitoba R3M 2A6

A book launch tour event with Trevor MacDonald, who will read from "Where's the Mother? Stories from a Transgender Dad". Trevor will be on hand for discussion and book signing afterwards.