My Story

Where's the Mother? Stories from a Transgender DadMy book, "Where's the Mother? Stories from a Transgender Dad"is now available. Ask your local bookstore or go to your favourite online retailer for a copy in hardcover, paperback, or ebook.
(Originally published on Huffington Post, June 29, 2012)

NEAR THE END of my pregnancy, I went to my first breastfeeding support meeting, facilitated by La Leche League. I was excited at the opportunity to learn, and terribly nervous in a room full of strangers - I was a guy at a women-only peer-to-peer help group. La Leche League is an international nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting and educating women who want to breastfeed. When it came to be my turn to speak, I gave my carefully prepared spiel: "My name is Trevor and I am able to be pregnant because I am transgender. This means that I was born female but transitioned to male by taking hormones and having chest surgery. When my partner and I decided to start a family, we got advice from my doctors and I stopped taking my testosterone. My baby is due in April. Because my surgery removed most of my breast tissue, I don't know how much I'll be able to breastfeed, but I really want to try."

 With my face bright red and my palms sweating, I looked up to see many of the women in the room nodding their heads and smiling at me. By this point I was quite far along in my pregnancy, so they knew I was the real thing. Over the course of the meeting, people discussed their various nursing challenges and asked each other questions. I mostly remained silent. After it was over, several women came to me to say how impressed they were by my determination to breastfeed and that they hoped it would go well for me. I was ecstatic at their response - I'd been initially unsure of whether I'd even be allowed to attend an LLL meeting as a guy, and I certainly didn't expect to be welcomed with open arms. This was the beginning of what became an incredible support system that I credit with helping me to nurse my baby for his first year of life.

At the start of our pregnancy, my partner Ian and I assumed we were going to formula-feed. We signed up for samples of the stuff - how could we resist free food? We like a good deal just as well as the next guy. Besides, how could I breastfeed without breasts? And then I started reading endlessly about birth and babies. Quickly I learned that I might be able to produce a small amount of milk despite my surgery, and that even drops of breast milk would benefit our baby. I became not just committed, but passionate about breastfeeding.

 Following a natural birth, my midwife assisted me in latching on my newborn, Jacob. To everyone's delight and amazement, we could all hear him enjoying his first swallows of colostrum, the rich milk full of protective antibodies that is produced in the first days after birth. We called my best friend and La Leche League leader, Simone, to come over right away. When Simone entered our bedroom and saw me trying to latch Jacob on, this time without the help of my midwife, she thought, This is impossible. There just isn't enough tissue there for a baby to latch onto. And Trevor is going to be devastated when it doesn't work out. But she suggested different ways for me to try holding my meagre chest tissue so that Jacob could grab on. I persisted, and so did my baby.

 Simone came to our home four times in the next 48 hours and answered my phone calls late at night as well as early in the morning. Jacob got stronger as I became more proficient in positioning him and we learned together. However, when he was four days old, it became clear that he wasn't gaining weight adequately and that we needed to start supplementing him. Friends, and friends of friends, donated their breast milk for our child and now I faced yet another challenge: using a supplemental nursing system (SNS).

An SNS consists of a bottle of supplement with a tube going into it. You put one end of the tube next to your nipple and then latch the baby onto your nipple and the tube at the same time. This way, the baby gets both the milk that the parent can produce and also the supplement at once. Using an SNS avoids the "nipple confusion" that can come from bottle feeding. Keeping the baby at the breast also helps to stimulate the parent's own body to create more milk - breastfeeding depends on the feedback of a supply and demand system, after all. At first it took three of us to position Jacob, hold the SNS and its tubing, and make an effective "breast tissue sandwich" for the baby to hold onto. For the next two weeks, Ian had to help me with every single feeding. We struggled through the exhaustion of sitting up through nursing sessions day and night.

We found more donated breast milk online through the Facebook group Human Milk 4 Human Babies. We interviewed donors, asking about blood test results, medications, and drug and alcohol use. We accepted donations from all kinds of people, including Mennonites, Mormons, and a military family. All of these generous people dedicated their time and energy to giving our child a healthy start in life. In the end we were able to find enough breast milk for Jacob to stay off of formula entirely.

 As Jacob enters toddlerhood, breastfeeding is about far more than the food. I can nurse him to sleep when he is wild yet far beyond exhausted, and latch him on to calm him when he's had an unfortunate adventure with the corner of a coffee table. Nursing has taken on dimensions that I never imagined would be possible for us. Best of all, when I attend La Leche League meetings nowadays, I am able to give advice to brand new breastfeeding parents. If a new mom worries that she doesn't have enough breast milk because her baby seems to want to eat so very often, I can share my story: we were supplementing our son heavily, but he continued to want to feed in many frequent sessions. Sometimes, he cried at night despite having as much milk as he could eat. Those early days can be tough, and I was fortunate to have extraordinary support. I will forever think of our many compassionate helpers - the La Leche League leaders, our friends, and the complete strangers we met online - as Jacob's milk buddies. It certainly took a village for us to breastfeed, and I am so grateful that it happened.


  1. What an amazing and inspiring story! Thank you so much for sharing it.

  2. i'm totally amazed by your story.
    just go here, and am SO excited to read this.
    you're such a pioneer!!!
    i'm a la leche league leader from israel, and i guess we'll see more stories like this in the coming years.

  3. As a parent of a 10 yr old ftm kiddo your story just makes me happy!

  4. Hi Trevor! My name is Nyssa, blogger at "Diary of a Lactation Failure" and moderator of a group for parents with low milk supply... although you'd be our first breastfeeding dad! I wanted to extend an invitation to you, if you'd like to join. Many of the moms have low milk supply due to insufficient glandular tissue, but we have some BFAR moms, too. Many of us use donor milk and/or SNSes and know how difficult but rewarding those things can be.
    I love your story, and all you've done to preserve your breastfeeding relationship! (I use an SNS, myself.)
    You'll find the group here:
    Hope to see you there soon!

  5. I was just wondering if you regret having most of your breast tissue removed having gone through all this? I mean, obviously you weren't really thinking of a child in the future and trying to nurture that child when you had your surgery, right?

    1. JDelia - I'm re-reading the book for a second time at the moment, and this topic does come up. It's a beautiful, fascinating and wonderful book, I'm sure you'd love it, if you haven't already read it.

  6. Your child is so lucky to have such a loving parent!

  7. This is an amazing story & blog. I'm lying with my son asleep at the breast and you've made me cry.
    Well done to all three of you!

  8. you are an incredible person! I wish and pray that every child would be blessed with such dedicated parents and friends. You guys really inspire me, i wish all communities could act this way when in comes to raising our children..

  9. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful story. Brought tears to my eyes!

  10. Good for you doing what nature intended for the good of your son . Jacob is the best name too my son is a Jacob and we fed until he self weaned at the age of 5 years old. Like yourself i came across many people who did not always have a positive attitude to how i chose to nurture my son but i knew what was best for him. May you have many happy more feeding days to come

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  12. Your story is amazing! As a mum who has struggled with breastfeeding and the SNS, I have become passionate about the subject and you take it to a new level. Inspired by your courage. It's a powerful space you inhabit. Thank you for sharing. I'll be sharing your blog with all the breastfeeders I know :)

  13. Thank you for bravely sharing your story! You are an inspiration as someone who persevered to breastfed despite (big!) challenges, as a man, and as a father. Your son is lucky to have such dedicated parents! Best of luck to you all.

    -a supportive doula and mother in Albuquerque

  14. bravo !! congratulatioin !! i'm so excited from your story .. your baby is really very lucky !!
    Mary Tsitsia from Patras - Greece

  15. I'm very confused and wanting to understand. If you married a man, got pregnant, breast fed your babies...why did you become transgender? You're a woman in a man's body. Right?
    Really I'm just confused and really interested in understand it from your point of view.
    If you had married a woman, I would understand it better, but you married a guy.
    Isn't it going to confuse for your children?
    Have you looked up for counceling? Just to learn how to explain it to them in a better way when time comes.
    Of course that the most important thing is to love your kids, and that you do for sure! But you are also responsible for all the rest. If you made a decision to change your life, to be a transgender, than you should act like a man, not like a woman.
    Maybe some things in you didn't change at all, maybe you're still a woman even though you tried to change your body. Because it seems to me that when nature spoke louder you followed your woman's instinct to get pregnant and breast feed...have you thought of that?
    Maybe you should have kept your woman's body....
    Just wondering...sorry, it's just really new for me, and just trying to understand. I'm not judging...
    Good luck!

    1. Hi Julia, I think its great that you're trying to understand something that is very new to you.

      I can't speak for all people who aren't cis-gender (cis-gender means that their biological sex matches their gender e.g. a person with a female body on the outside who also feels like a woman on the inside, or a person with a male body who also feels like man) but I hope that my musings might be helpful to you on your search for understanding.

      Being transgender isn't something that a person can "choose to become", in the same way that you can't choose to be right or left handed, you just are the way you are.

      A transman is somebody who feels (and therefore is) male but was born with a female body. Some transmen change their bodies so that they more closely match up with how they feel on the inside, such removing breast tissue as Trevor did. Other transmen choose not to, or are unable to, for a variety of reasons. The key thing tying all these guys together is that they feel like men. This means that they are men, no matter what body they were born with, or what body they have at the moment.

      So whether you change your body or not, you are still the same person. Because of this, you will still be attracted to the same people as before. So if you had always fancied men and only men, you wouldn't suddenly start fancying women just because you'd changed your body.

      I don't see Trevor wanting to feed and nurture his child from his own body means that he is following feminine instincts - I think he is following his heart and his parenting instincts because he loves his child. Caring and nurturing is not just limited to women in the same way that being assertive and intelligent is not just limited to men. Even if Trevor did experience some "feminine" instincts, that would be ok! We should be free to be ourselves, even if our feelings or behaviours don't fit into one neat box of male or female. Why is it so important that people fit into these boxes?

      I am sure that Trevor and his partner have thought very carefully about the impact on their children of having two dads, one of whom was born into a body that wasn't right for him. I think they are fantastic role models for their children: they are clearly driven by love, take their responsibilities as parents incredibly seriously, and are brave enough to be who they are not who society tells them they should be. I hope to do the same for my kids one day!

      These ramblings are just my own thoughts and feelings, and I can't speak for anyone but myself. But I hope I have been somewhat helpful on your journey to deeper understanding.

      (To put my feelings in context, I am a person with a female body but I don't identify as a man or a woman. I'm happy with my body as it is, and would one day love to birth and breastfeed my own children).

    2. You'd be surprised how nonchalant kids can be about gender. The most in-depth explanation I've had to provide went as so:

      "Why did you change?"
      "I wasn't comfortable before."
      "Oh, okay. Can you draw a horse for me?"
      "I can try. D'you have some paper I can use?"
      "Here. Use the pink marker. And add wings."

  16. I'm 25 at came out to my husband as FTM at year ago. I don't know how much I will transition, it seems so complicated for my family, but I wanted to drop a line and say hi. I have 5 kids ages 7, 5, 2, and twins who were born premature on April 17th, 2015. I'm able to properly breastfeed (well pump at the moment) but getting kind of bummed because I won't be able to bind for a long time. Anyway I live just outside of Winnipeg and it's nice to see someone so active and close to where I am. The work you do helps people like me!

  17. How can they allow people like you raise a child?

    1. The more important question is how can they let someone like you?

  18. You're abusing children because of your mental illness and it will be a good day someone finally brings you some hurt.

    1. Being trans is not a mental illness, and being a trans parent is not child abuse. However, you seem to think that people coping with a mental illness should be hurt instead of helped. Please learn to find some compassion in your life!

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  20. Your story gave me chills. So happy to hear that you were able to get support from many different people, especially given that you are transgendered and people often shy away from what they are not knowledgable about or what's not considered "normal." This story will forever stick with me on my path to become an IBCLC. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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