Successful Sleep Training: One Parent’s Guide

The first night that my little one slept in his own room, he went down without any crying and he stayed on his own all night long! He did the same thing the next night. It was a miracle, the details of which I must share.

Sleep is really important to me, as a parent and as a human being. I’ve noticed that when I don’t get enough sleep, I have less patience for my kids (and others) and I feel generally irritable. I’m a better parent when I’ve had a decent amount of sleep.

So how did the magic happen? What did we do?

Sleep training for us happened in two parts.

• Sleeping at night without nursing (night weaning). 
•  Sleeping in his own room.

I’ve seen posts about infants crying so hard they vomited and parents who said it was “worth it” to “teach” the baby how to sleep. From what I can glean, the idea is to teach them that no one is going to pick them up so they might as well stop crying and get used to being on their own all night.

My experience was different.

Our kid slept in our bed with us from birth. When he cried, I nursed him. At times when that didn’t work, I’d pick him up and walk him up and down the stairs or even down the street until I got him back to sleep. Then we’d go back to bed together.

When our second baby was born, the first kiddo had to learn to wait to have his nighttime needs taken care of. That was the beginning of night weaning for him. If he cried, he often woke up the newborn, which meant I’d have to nurse her before I could help him get back to sleep. He started to understand, and got pretty good at waiting patiently. Soon enough, he started to fall back to sleep while I was still settling the newborn. Then he started sleeping through the night without waking up to nurse or cuddle at all. He was about four years old.

For the next few years, we all slept together on our king-sized bed.

Something big changed for our son when he turned six. He seemed to have an instant developmental leap and was suddenly much more mature. He went from fighting constantly with his sister as if he, too, were a toddler, to rolling his eyes and exchanging knowing glances with me if little sister was having a particularly toddleresque moment.

It also became apparent that child #1 needed a space to keep his own things. The toddler tried to scribble in his workbook and ripped apart his carefully-made projects. We began talking with our son about having his own room with some shelving and drawers for his favourite books and toys. He was thrilled!

Great, we thought. But would he want to sleep in it? I knew I was ready to no longer be kicked at night by a six-year-old, but how would he feel sleeping alone? 

He was excited!

My partner took the kids for an adventure to Ikea where they tried out all the kid mattresses by jumping on them. Our son chose the springiest one, with cheerful red sheets to go on it. We set it up at home with a nightlight. At bedtime, my partner read him a book and told him a story, as per usual, and the kid fell asleep.

It is truly brilliant to witness a child doing something for the first time exactly when they are ready for it. You get to see their interest and curiosity, as well as the joy and confidence that come from figuring it all out. My child felt proud.

When my son was an infant, friends told me that I had to "teach" him how to sleep or he’d “never learn”, that he’d be in our bed “forever.” Six years might seem like a long time, but a six-year-old child is still a little kid. And that’s okay by me.

For more information about sleeping safely with a nursing baby or child, check out Sweet Sleep: Nighttime and Naptime Strategies for the Breastfeeding Family by La Leche League International, Diana West, Diane Wiessinger, Linda J. Smith, and Teresa Pitman.

I bet I can guess a question that might have popped into your head, though, if you read this far:

How do you have intimate time with your partner if you're co-sleeping with kids?

The kids go to sleep a while before we do, and our home has more than one room. So we hang out elsewhere, sometimes sitting on the downstairs couch, chatting (but more likely looking at our respective Facebook feeds, "liking" each other's posts). Or... you know. When we are ready to sleep, we join the kids in bed.

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More American Dogs Get to Co-sleep Than Babies

One of the basic principles of attachment parenting is "safe sleep," meaning that a loving parent attends to his or her child's emotional and physical needs at night as well as during the day. Many attachment-minded families find that sleeping together with their baby is the best way to accomplish this. However, the vast majority of American parents choose to put their children in cribs in separate rooms at night. A surprising number of dog owners, on the other hand, allow their dogs to sleep with them and report that they, and their dogs, enjoy it. It's a dog's life – just not for babies.

I believe the very first time I considered co-sleeping of any kind, I was thinking of dogs. I was eight years old, and our family dog was obviously ill, whining in pain. My parents chained him up outside so that he couldn't run away. Before bed, I went out to visit him and was frightened to see and hear him suffering, but I wanted to be with him. My parents made me go to bed, and the dog was dead by morning. I still hate knowing that he was in pain and all alone during that awful night.

When I was ten, we brought home a new puppy. Mom locked her downstairs in the mudroom and put down newspaper in case she peed. We went to our beds (separate ones) that night to the sound of ceaseless crying and yelping. Mom explained that the puppy was used to sleeping with her litter mates and that she was lonely. This was the first of many times that I begged to be allowed to have our dog sleep with me in my room. I was told the puppy would get used to her new surroundings eventually, and that we had to leave her on her own. This was a normal part of growing up for every dog.

As an adult, I learned that dog trainers seem to agree that sleeping together (at least in the same room) is important for bonding with one's animal, and the practice is far from rare. As Cesar Milan, the "Dog Whisperer," notes, "It is perfectly natural for a dog to sleep with other pack members, and it is also a powerful way to bond with your dog." A 2007 survey by the American Pet Products Association of over 2500 American pet owners found that a whopping 43% of dogs sleep in bed with their owners. When I adopted my current dog, she wanted to sleep with me and I obliged. This was the first time in my life that I slept with another living creature. I loved it.

After I read about safe infant-parent bed-sharing, it seemed natural to me to sleep with our baby, too. What else would we do? Let our dog cuddle with us in bed while our infant cried in the other room? If sleeping together is so beneficial for bonding with a pet, why wouldn't it be great for bonding with baby, too? However, a 2006 study in Kentucky found that only 15% of infants and toddlers aged two weeks to two years sleep with their parents. Is it possible that Americans are better in tune emotionally with their pets than their babies?

I wanted to do anything and everything that could be helpful to the breastfeeding relationship, including bed-sharing. What we discovered, however, is that co-sleeping is just as important for Ian's relationship with Jacob as it is for mine. I am fortunate to spend hours and hours nursing and wearing our baby during the day since I am the one who gets to stay home from work. Someone once asked Ian if he is jealous of our breastfeeding relationship, and he responded with an emphatic "No! I get to co-sleep!" Every night, all three of us cuddle together. Especially when he was younger and easier to move aroud in his sleep, I'd nurse Jacob down and then slide him over to Ian who would tuck his arm around him without even waking up. This way Ian got his fair share of skin-to-skin time and felt well-connected to our baby.

Nowadays our dog frequently snoozes by herself on the couch (maybe because the baby wakes up so much at night!) and then joins us for snuggling in the morning. But if there's a thunder storm, she always ends up in our bed, and from time to time, she chooses to be with us from the start of the night. I have no doubt that Jacob's nighttime preferences will change, too, as he grows and develops. One thing is for certain though: our bed will always be open to whoever needs it.